Monday, 7 March 2011

When big Stan met Stumpy!

A few years ago i arrived at a hotel as sous chef. There was about 10 chefs at the time but one stood out like a sore thumb, mainly because he was about 5ft tall. Everyone called him Stumpy for some unknown reason (joke). Anyway as i worked there for a few months I heard lots of stories about Stumpy's drunken antics. He was the one I told you about earlier that I had to fine for turning up late when I became Head chef.
One of Stumpy's worst habits was getting so wasted he would stay over someones house on the sofa and piss himself which he did on a regular occurrence. The worst story of this was when he lived in the hotel where we were working. The Head Chef at the time was on sleep over and covering the night porter, anyway he was doing his walk round at night and found Stumpy passed out on the public stairs. He thought to himself he couldn't leave him there so he tried carrying Stumpy to his room, only for Stumpy to piss himself and covering the Head Chef! 
I was first introduced to Big Stan about 5 years ago. He is about 6ft 5, 25stone and had the campest hand shake I have ever seen., he had joined as a commis chef.
Big Stan had left Birmingham under a bit of a cloud and wanted to start a new life in the westcountry. I found out later that he owed drug dealers quite a lot of money because instead of selling the drugs, he took the lot, on what he says was the best weekend of his life!
Big Stan and Stumpy formed an instant partnership because of there love for drink, drugs and there love for doing crazy things when they were wrecked. Together they were a dangerous double act because they excited each other and pushed one another into doing more drugs and getting more wrecked but to the untrained eyes they were just lovable rogues enjoying themselves.
The hotel decided that all the staff living in the hotel was too much trouble so they decided to rent local houses for the staff and some bright spark put Big Stan and Stumpy together in one house with a poor gay Romanian guy. I heard one story that the duo had got wrecked and made the Romanian waiter wax there initials in there chests. Some of the neighbours complained to the hotel that they had seen Stumpy watching porn in the middle of the day on full volume with the curtains open and pleasuring himself. Also the next door neighbour had complained that Big Stan would wake up in the night and instead of going to the toilet he would just open the window and piss on the neighbours rose bush.
When Big Stan and Stumpy got kicked out of the house it took 2 days to clean it and they found a yellow pages near the toilet with half the pages ripped out and none of the light bulbs in the house worked.
Stumpy left the hotel shortly after I took over as Head Chef but Big Stan is still with me to this date and is now my Junior Sous. He has grown up a lot in the last 5 years and is more into expensive wine and michelin starred food these days than sambuca shots and very rarely takes class A drugs. He still has the habit of whipping out his over sized egg like testicles for everyone to see, but I can forgive him that as long as he washes his hands afterwards!

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